SEXUAL INCEST, DRUGS, PROSTITUTION - GOD SAVED MY LIFE!
By Dianne P.
Dianne writes, My father began sexually abusing me when I was 3. That was the beginning of what turned out to be a 44 year ordeal of shame, sexual confusion, and self condemnation. Early on, by age 12, I was already using drugs to help cope with everyday life. When my father found out, he came totally unglued and threatened to kill me. His gun pointed at my head and the look on his face convinced me that he meant it. I pleaded with him to just let me leave home. He did and at 16 I was suddenly on the streets of Atlanta Georgia. No job, no money and a growing drug habit. I turned to prostitution. I didn't realize it but God was watching over me. For instance, there was the time when a man broke into my room at gun point. In no uncertain terms, he told me that he was going to rape then kill me...But...when I asked him to let me pray first, he got so flustered, he left without killing me. That was God.
Another time, one of my "clients" put a knife to my throat intending to slice it. I asked him if I could call my mom to tell her I wouldn't be home for supper. There was no phone in the room so he walked me to a phone booth. Once there, he turned away for just a split second. When he did, I ran faster that I knew I could. Let me tell you, when someone plans to kill you they don't let you call your momma! That had to be God! But still, I didn't know that. I knew I hated my father for what he'd done and I hated God for letting him do it. I was so angry...I told God that even "IF" He did exist, I wanted nothing to do with him. I went so far as to ask the devil to be my lord. Prostitution is a dangerous lifestyle, but I saw no other way to finance the drugs I needed...Heroine, MDA, Coke...it's all expensive stuff and I did whatever I had to do to stay high. That was the only way I could face those DARK DAYS.
I became just a shell of a person, physically and emotionally. Death was so close to me. It was on every street corner, in every sleazy motel room. It was in every needle I shoved into my veins. God was watching over me...Because it wasn't long until I was in jail, awaiting trial for armed robbery and prostitution. Some might argue that it wasn't God who put me in jail. Of course He didn't do it in person, but He did use the police! I didn't have to go to prison because the "client" I had robbed was married and didn't show up in court to press charges. The Judge ordered me to serve a year of probation on the prostitution charge. Life on the street was hell on earth, and life in jail was no better. I watched women being horribly abused sexually. One pregnant inmate lost her unborn child because another inmate kicked her in the stomach...but through all of this, God watched over me. I still didn't know it was God...but he was working on that too!
GOD SENDS A CHRISTIAN FRIEND...
When I was released from jail, I got my first real job. It was there I met Jennifer and wouldn't you know it, she's a Christian! What a coincidence! All day she was cheerful, praising God and nagging me to to to the church! So I did...maybe to get her off my back, but I went. When they gave the invitation, I accepted Jesus. I seriously doubt that anyone would've been able to tell it. My old habits didn't go away. In other words, I didn't become a "super saint" overnight. Every new journey has to start somewhere...I needed to know God's Word and what His plan was for me. I figured a church would know these things, so I went.
REJECTION....MORE PAIN AND SORROW...
The first one preached that if I didn't live their way, God was going to get me. It should have dawned on me that "IF" God had wanted to get me, why didn't he do it when I was worshiping the devil? The next church seemed OK...until I confided to the pastor my whole sordid life. Mysteriously, it wasn't long until just about the whole congregation knew my life story. Some of the women wouldn't even hold my hands during group prayer. They probably thought prostitution and lesbianism were diseases and they didn't want to catch them.
LESBIANISM...SATAN'S MASTER PLAN OF DECEPTION, DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE...
I finally gave up on church and for the next 21 years, I pursued the sexual preference I had disclosed to my parent's years before. I told them that I liked girls sexually rather than boys. That did not go over well. A little at first, then by leaps and bounds, I was returning to drugs as my way of coping with my life. But God was not finished...I went from one relationship to another. None of them lasted. When I got hard up for drugs, I even returned to "hooking". Sex for cash, sex for drugs. It didn't matter which, I just needed my dope! Six times I was institutionalized. Three times I tried to suicide. I was diagnosed as manic depressive, just plain old depressive, substance addicted and...suicidal. When my last "girl friend" moved out, I hit the real bottom. I had never experienced that depth of desperation. Again, I considered suicide as the way out. I had a gun and I had pills. The only reason I didn't do it was that I didn't know where God stood on suicide.
I LET GOD INTO MY LIFE...NOW I AM TOTALLY FREE, HAPPY, DEBT FREE, AND DELIVERED. EVEN MY MARRIAGE WAS RESTORED BY GOD!
I cried out to Him, sobbing uncontrollably..."Please God, either fix me or let me die". On that night, when I thought death would be a welcome visitor, God, my Heavenly Father, began to show me that He had another plan. He showed me, in spite of all I had done, HE LOVED ME! The experience of that night led me to a little church where my friend, Angela, went. I loved it and they loved me. They accepted "me" just as I was. Even when I told them my past, they didn't care...they just loved me! God's Love and their love began a healing process. As a child I had lost my ability to trust; but because of Love the ability and willingness to trust was restored to me. I was able to finally open up and really let God into my life. I don't have the words to describe what happened to me. All I know is that the shame, the drugs, the sexual confusion, the self condemnation were all being torn out of me...by the deep gut wrenching cleansing of the Holy Spirit! I was free at last; miraculously and dramatically delivered. It's been nearly five years now and I am still free - TOTALLY FREE! Today, I am remarried to my husband, Mike, after 21 years of divorce! We live in a beautiful home and we're happy and debt free...and if you think that's the end of the story, it's not. God's plan is still unfolding and I'm still not a "super saint", but it's my desire to share this testimony whenever and wherever possible.
ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE, GOD ABSOLUTELY DOES LOVE YOU AND ME!
If there's one thing that I know for sure, it is that God absolutely does love and care about you and me. He had a plan for my life and He does have a plan for your life. Synthia Esther adds, "Amen Dianne, God desires to give us all a life filled with Hope and a Future - Jere. 29:11."
Copyright - 2008-2016, Synthia Esther. All Rights Reserved.